Precious talk xxx

8th jan 2012

wendyhouse

18.14

got back and how he can
leave an empty spot where he is
like eveytime we have been together
i find myself feeling him
and his presence still here xxx


thinking of our talk of last night and today..
bits of questions answered and
answers trying to find solutions ...

trying to keep and find the right wrds to say here...
as i've lost my first blog deicate ti this earlier..

words come into my mind,
memories like fireflies ..
glowing like small lights,
locked inside a bottle...

but once you open the bottle,they will all escape...
into the night never to come back again xxx

so,i hope this time i will write this right...and save al in time xxx

he came,while i waited at the wendyhouse yesterday...
the previous day, we were talking what i would wear and like
an excited girl going on a date...i was glad to find out how
to please my date for the next day xxx

then he came,in that dark outfit i thought,omg he looks really good in it..
made his eyes the color of midnight ....
the same color, when we make love...
and just at the right moment when he is almost there..
when he is about to reach that feeling of  all the pleasure
of our bodies coming together...my darling blue eyes,
turn into such dark colors that looks like the midnight sky...

we made love...we kissed and held into each other like we havent seen
one another in years...

then we were sat there ...
at the restaurant in the village..

can quite know how to start..
then he did witht the words,by saying..

sd: before we start i just wanted to say,i may not be able to see you anymore like before..
me:looking at him,just said,ok...

he explained his reasons...

i felt a pinch in my heart

in my mind i kept telling myself,
count to 5 before saying anything.
i was worried i will blurt out something out of the blue...
and make things into impossible issues xxx

so,i listened,
he asked
'so what was it that you wanted to say?
me: just wanted to know are we in a monogamous relationship?
he was a bit taken by the question and i had to explain,
'are we seeing each other and not anyone else? in this situaion?

he replied:
maybe i should look/find another one who can give me 100% of himself that he wont be able to give me...

but in my mind,how hard is it to find,
anoher person to cover for the ones that another cant give?
to fill some one else's shoes?

i felt a pinch in my heart...

but he told me his reasons,and i knew all from the start...

i feel for one person,
and  all the emotions that surfaced because of it...
even me amazes ME sometimes!

sitting there last  night when we were having this talk and our dinner..
oh, how hard it is to feel what you feel,
but you must feel something else because of who i am in all these..
a Sugarbaby
who fell madly inlove with her Sugardaddy...
but  it was a strange feeling, knowing all these,
because i am happy that i love Him.

some people may say, i am foolish to feel this way,
some people have the same situation as me,i have read that
some of  the people involved in the same situation as us,
have felt the same for their respective SD/SB relationships,

there was a man who actually admitted,that he loves his SB so much
he had to sit and talk with her to clear it out for thinking that she maybe looking for another SD.
he said,we talked and cleared things and now we are back to great things were and happy for it!

so,with the talk was my same question if he was looking for a new SB..
in my mind,
it upset me to think that he is with a gf  or anything in between
he said no, and said his reasons,

i wont  know unless i asked,
and i wanted to know atleast i know what to do if in case that he does...

and how sometimes i think,if i say how i feel,
would it matter anyway?
after all i am a Sugarbaby
and should not worry?

but like i said into the run up of these talk,
i realized that really, i am human after all...
never felt such raw emotions, if i did in the past i cant remember feeling them at all.

what was happenning to me?
i thought actually i am a tough cookie?

but sitting there with him,
i cant  bring myself to control how i feel..

i was saying to myself' 'omg stop being a toastie!!' haha!

i kept telling myself,You dont forget what it is you are here missy,
you are a bloody  Sugarbaby and behave as you should be...

but how can you begin to explain,that what i feel is far beyond it?
like one Sugarbaby said, 'omg sorry to break your fantasy i would use my magic wand to bring you back to reality woman'!

haha

but like all else,we all have shared memories,times,affection,respec and love with people we care about.. and this is no different from it,
being a Sugarbaby does it immune you to the reality that you can be happy?

and with my Sugardaddy,he made sure that i was part of a reality,
that he shared with me,along with all of our fantasies..

we have done so much things together,well for arguments sake,i know we should have anyway
as it is norm for these to happen,have excitement and fun and all that comes with it...

but with it came along,genuine affection,
slowly creating a big part of our relatonship,
along with a sprinkle of honesty,
reapect in opinions and high regard for each others feelings...
resulted in a lot of love on top of it..

someone said, that is too perfect there must must be something wrong with it?
no,there isnt,i was just lucky  to have it xxx
and no,it isnt perfect,but we make it like it is becasue we wantedd it xxx


and so,i asked,plese tell me if you have found another one,
you dont have to keep me and i have to control my feeling towards you
as i dont want you to feel uncomfortable,
and i sure dont want someone to give me something that he doesnt want to,or stay with me just because he feels he has to...

he said how he felt,
as i am not sure whats he thinking in his head...

i am happy to know he still wanted me maybe for the few months again,
or maybe more..
but he said,he was happy to keep me as we are for the rest of his life..
but because of his personal reasons,he cant be with me 100%

so,he said to me this,for me to find another one,
but was far from my mind...
so i had to tell him,
how i feel for him,is not something i can give away freely to just anybody...
love is earned,
it is something free,but needs a lot of work to actually have it...

and i know he didnt ask for it,but i feel it for him for my reasons,
he didnt realize it,that he had been taking care of me,inspite of me making him feel
happy...

it was up to him,if he wants it,
or if he will let it pass him by,
but i wasnt going to ask him to love me,
although it is what we all aim for?
but i hope he does, maybe not all the time, or not the way it is shown in a conventioanl way...
either way, i love him anyway..


he said,maybe you should accept it,
how i feel inside of me..
but i am just too scared to get rejected...

his got his life,
new things to worry about xxx
but i hope there would be time to spend together...
i was hinking very hard of what he said to me re another Sugarddy
but cant  bring myself to do it,,,
or even think about it...
if it will come it will but not for me to search it xxx

i am happy as we are,
inlove and to be looked after by him so far xxx


what he plans,what he wants,what he will do about all of the things
i wont know until those  days begins...
i am leaving it all to him,but i am here if he wants me to guide him xxx


i know he wont be with me,
the normal way,
but i always think of him like i do everyday...
with lots of love and affection for a man
that in my mind is Mine..


the feeling of losing someone you care and love,is maybe the worst thing
that anyone could ever have to go through...
but staying unhappily over something is not what i wanted to do xxx
so,i told him...and glad to know he is still happy to have me xxx

we spoke of the things that came to mind,last night and some quesions he has
today,
i answered him as i would anyway,

would i be looking for an Sd
he said,he is  curious to know how he will feel when the time happens,
then today i was asked was it because financial reasons?
how long would it take for me to find one?
he didnt realize i wasnt even thinking of it...
he was the one who mentioned it...
as he said he wont be able to  give what i maybe wanted...

but my answer to the question was,

people go to these sites to be looked after,
for me it is part of it...
but i know he is worried he may not be giving me his part of the agreement...
he looks after me,more than anyone would have done...

now if his attentions will go to another one,
it will be tough for me i know,and wont know how i would take it
and to worry about his work at the same time...
i wont know how it  will go,
all i know as for now,i love him as much as anyone would ever know xxx

with all the things said..
will just see how it turns...

but i smile of the thought that he said he loved me,
we'd muddle through...
i hope all this year will be good for him,for me
and most of all for both of us...

how would things go?
will he hold on taking care of us,or  would  he let go?
i hope it really is a no..

all the plans and the dreams,he has i wish it all to come true
and will not pass
without him not seeing the reality of it all...
but what i know i will be beside him willing him to give it a go xxx

this precious talk,has answered questions..
but opened a lot more...

but i am happy to tread it xxx
as long as i have his hand holding mine xxx

after we did dinner ,
we went to see a rock  and roll show :)))
then we went clubbing ,drinking and laughing...

but the best bit is,coming to bed,knowing he would stay...
this precious time together...
that we look forward all the time xxx

to all those who are in the same situation as me,
i thought maybe honesty is  one of the keys...
to make it work and then maybe you will be lucky as me,
to have someone who will actually romance you,
make you feel special every moment ...
to commit some of his time,to actually make you feel
he will always be there..
and when you are together,he wont make you feel that you are in agreement
except for the fact he takes care of you the way a man should anyway xxx

i think what made us stay this way, was the fact there is love in between
it binds everything together even impossible situations as it seems xxx

to still think you are special even if you are not perfect xxx
to actually fit you into whatever he is in...
including maybe a song that he is writing xxx


how many husbands would spend quality time with wives?
well maybe there are who does,
or maybe live their separate lives...
is he bad to be spending his time with me?
this person he will never marry?

for me,
i wouldnt know the difference of being a wife..
but i know if i will eve be one i will refuse to  be  boring one !



for a woman to remember someone said  to me,
share your life with him, laughter and the sadness,
caress him like he would you,
make love with him all the time like it will be the last time xxx

for the man will always go to the woman that makes him happy,
even in difficulty xxx